Somehow, I had convinced myself that Carrot Top would somehow bring about earth's demise, and when I learned that that would not be the case, I was oddly disappointed. I realized then that the world's greatest prop comedy bit would never be performed, could never be performed, and I started to cry. Damn it! I actually teared up. Imagine it: Carrot Top walks across some stage, any stage, and begins the set up to some joke, any joke, and for the punchline of that ... he blows up the whole, God damned world. Actually blows it up, and in one instant makes human existence both meaningful and meaningless whilst redeeming his entire career. But alas, that was not to be.
No, eventually I learned--and I suppose this bit of information disappointed me the most--that I, Cedric Lloyd of Beaumont, Texas, would bring about the end of existence. I know. Sucks, right?
Believe me, I did not want to accept it either, but God told me as sure as I am telling you this now. He came to me, in a dream or something. Everything has begun to blur as of late, but I still have the gist of it though. You know, the God parts and what not. He had a deep voice or a high voice or something. I vaguely remember him sounding like John Wayne but without the country twang to it. And I was a little high. I suppose I should mention that, though I don't find it pertinent. Earlier that morning, I had found my ex-fiancee's Vicodin prescription that she had yet to retrieve, and I was bummed out and stuff. So I popped a couple. At this point I can't recall how many, but the numbers three, four and five have a nice ring to them--I'll assume it was one of those. Then, I had a couple of drinks ... just a couple of beers I had in the refrigerator, and I collapsed on the bed, staring at the ceiling and pontificating and shit. Like poetic shit, I felt like Kerouac, all important, and I kept thinking about getting a pen. I needed to write this shit down. It was pertinent, more pertinent than my thoughts had ever been, and I knew that God wanted me to share these thoughts with the world.
And that's when ...
Well, that's when it happened. BAM! God ... I shit you not. God was in my bedroom, a ball of light--blinding, almost. He introduced himself too. "I am," he said, all serious, how you would imagine God to speak.
"Well, nice to meet you."
"You are the second coming, Cedric. You will bring about the end of the world."
"No shit, man? That's crazy."
And he left. No goodbye or anything, he just vanished as quickly as he came, and he left me ruminating there, wondering how I'd do it. How I, Cedric Lloyd of Beaumont, Texas, of this little shit town in this big damn state ... how I, Cedric Lloyd who everybody called a nobody and whose own mom even referred to him as the scourge of Texas, would bring about the end of the world. And you know, maybe I could do as I always dreamed it would be. I could do it as Carrot Top, sending the world off to that final slumber with one last joke.
Get ready, world. Get ready to laugh your asses off.