Dear Self of the Honkie Variety,
Listen. We need to talk. Don't worry; we aren't splitting up. Unfortunately, that is not an option for us--I have consulted a number of specialist. No, our burden remains to carry on, to deal with each other's faults as Dr. King would have wanted, and that is why I have chosen to write you.
It's the racism, Sean. At first, you would just crack the occasional joke about whatever stereotype you happened to conjure. A "I bet you want some of that fried chicken" or "Shouldn't you be able to dunk" or perhaps even "Use your magic negro powers," which I did not even know was a stereotype until you brought it up, would come gallivanting out of you mouth whenever the situation was "appropriate," and I could live with that ... if it had ceased there. But then came the attempted lynchings. After the first, I thought, surely this was another joke. Then twice ... three times ... four! and I got suspicious.
As a result, I'd like to renegotiate out contract as I deem your actions dangerous and irresponsible as well as a breach of our original deal. I promised I would no longer attend my militant Panther rallies if you would stop wearing that (dare I say tacky) Confederate flag shirt, and while you have so far obliged, I think I'd prefer the shirt to the hangings. Furthermore, no more hockey and no more golf. We are henceforth a Basketball/Football/Baseball family. Tiger is no longer the golfer he used to be when we made that compromise, and I feel that it's fair that we reassess that part of the contract.
Also, I'd like the bulk of the week. We agreed that you would get Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday, but since you seem incapable of using your time adequately (i.e. without prejudice), I think a switch is in order, though I still want Saturdays. You can keep Wednesday.
No more watching Friends, Fraiser or Seinfeld reruns either ... I can't take it. It just perpetuates your neuroticism and provides unmerited relevancy to your meager problems. You must, however, watch at least two hours of Roots as I find your amount of "White Guilt" insufficient.
Finally, good call on listening to the Wu Tang Clan again.