Things Duct Tape Can't Fix

Lately, he had developed a hobby of making lists, but he found that the lists too quickly became existential and self-analytical as customary with everything he wrote. The lists were never predicated by an important topic. They were simply the nonsensical rattling off of various items, phrases, actions, people, places, ideas, thoughts, things, street names, animals, theologies, philosophies, roads, foods, songs, bands, movies, office suppliers, composers, painters, third century historians, that related to a particular title which, for reasons unknown, had been lodged in his thoughts, yet as silly as the practice was, he still managed to delve into nihilism with each successive list, to unearth the darkest parts of his soul with lists such as "Ways the Smurfs Convinced Me of the Divinity of the Lord Jesus Christ and His Father, Papa Christ."

Duct tape making a small contribution the Civil Rights Movement

It was a sickness, a pathology, a mental deterioration of the most destructive variety--think Van Gogh losing the ear or Ahab chasing the whale--the same reason he had to stop writing short stories, poems, essays, biographies, excerpts of the memoir he planned to release when he finally became a somebody, chapters to the novel he believed would adequately describe the human condition in its most carnal form or whatever other bullshit poetic terminology the literary critics would grant it. He was deluded, convincing himself that he could still for lists without submitting to his more neurotic and self-indulgent sensibilities, but he was cursed, cursed to forever analyze the most minute factors of his existence, eternally awaiting the descent of that last rose petal.

This is his latest list ... read at your own risk ...

Things Duct Tape Can't Fix 

(or would require a ridiculous amount of duct tape)

1. Decapitation
2. Rising Sea Levels
3. Political and social upheaval in the Middle East
4. The Divide between the Montagues and the Capulets
5. The levees
6. Cancer
7. AIDS
8. A Mythical hybrid of Cancer and AIDS on which I based my science fiction novel, “Final Pandemic ”
9. Michael Bay films
10. Broken marriages
11. dissolved Sanity
12. Illiteracy
13. A Shitty wireless Connection
14. Gaping wounds (would hurt too much when removed)
15. Sadness
16. incredible sadness
17. Economic turmoil
18. Ripped band-aids (too redundant
19. Structurally compromised burritos
20. Ground 0
21. That douche, Billy Wallace
22. My upstairs neighbor’s incessant chatter
23. The hole in the Ozone. The hOleZone.
24. The pun from the previous list item
25. Everything in every third world country ever
26. A broken heart
27. souls

For a more comprehensive list, see your local or national news broadcast.